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Back in the day, when men refused to stop and ask for directions...
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Pharmacists should  stuff every third bottle with of of those snakes that pop out at you...  cause laughter is the best medicine.
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Me after spending any amount of time on the internet.
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CALM YO TUTS.
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You ever stalk yourself on instagram after you get a new follower so you can see what they see?
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Some people, "Live, Laugh, Love." This is how I roll... " Pizza,Tacos,Bacon "
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I was watching Sesame Street the other day and I realized I grew up to be Oscar The Grouch
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With the snap of my fingers RedBull will cease to exist
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Took some grease off my pizza today with a napkin so if you see me looking skinny tomorrow don't be alarmed.
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NEW RULE: I'm officially over people saying " shut up, Wesley " to me, even in jest. From now on, I'm insta-blocking anyone who does that... Shut up Will.
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Very done, Kevin! Thank, Teacher
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Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.
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My favorite graduation cap in 2018...
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The first person who heard a parrot speak was probably not ok for several days.
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MY MOM WENT TO CHERNOBYL AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY F-SHIRT
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ADULTS ON BOARD WE WANT TO LIVE TO
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Every time someone asked Mom for her cookie recipe, she replied, " Over my dead body! "
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Just discovered that LEGO hands are the perfect size for making sure your phone charger doesn't fall off your desk
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When you and your sibling are fighting and you're like... I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you.
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When someone says " I need to talk to you, " I'm like:
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When old people say, " you're too young to be tired " and I'm like, " Alright Margaret, you're too old to be alive but here you are. "
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I'm so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.
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yeah break ups suck but have you ever left your to-go box on the table at a restaurant??
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Cashier: Your total is $3,896 Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades? Cashier: Ok, that'll be $2.99
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What makes you think I don't like you? I don't, but I'm curious what gave it away.
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1 2 3 4 I declare infinity war
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The awkward moment when you realize you downloaded the wrong Avenger's movie.
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People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven... what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment? Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it's a very efficient system.
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