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Wedding planning? Ain't nobody got time for that!
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Rick, 58, smokes cigars, watches Fox News on full volume, better not catch you smoking any reefer under his roof, thinks Trump's a jerk, but he tells it like it is.
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self-employed enjoys travel, no puppies "looking for chill poodle to do yoga with"
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"Sell a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man how to fish, you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."
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You can't get fired if your self employed
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Pharmacists should  stuff every third bottle with of of those snakes that pop out at you...  cause laughter is the best medicine.
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When someone asks, " who wants pizza? " I'm like...
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When someone asks me how's it going? Same bra, different day...
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When he gets you flowers " Just Because " but you're crazy so you automatically think he must be cheating
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Me after spending any amount of time on the internet.
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CALM YO TUTS.
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It was my husbands turn to feed her...
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When certain people call my phone and I have to wait for it to stop ringing so I can use my phone again.
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When your wife calls to see if you pulled the chicken out of the freezer so she can cook it when she gets home in ten minutes and you're like, " Of course sweetie. "
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You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day
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You ever stalk yourself on instagram after you get a new follower so you can see what they see?
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Some people, "Live, Laugh, Love." This is how I roll... " Pizza,Tacos,Bacon "
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I was watching Sesame Street the other day and I realized I grew up to be Oscar The Grouch
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
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With the snap of my fingers RedBull will cease to exist
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She shat on the tortoise I'm dying
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Took some grease off my pizza today with a napkin so if you see me looking skinny tomorrow don't be alarmed.
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NEW RULE: I'm officially over people saying " shut up, Wesley " to me, even in jest. From now on, I'm insta-blocking anyone who does that... Shut up Will.
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The amount of Chapstick I buy vs the amount of Chapstick I use
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He planned to be at sea for five months. Living off of fish and protein bars. And sleeping in a hammock inside the bubble. Coast Guard rescues man running in a bubble in the ocean, again... Um, again??
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Very done, Kevin! Thank, Teacher
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Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.
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I hate it when you see a sign and suddenly your plans are ruined
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